Saturday, March 31, 2012

Good Morning...Friends.
Well, I didn't win the big lottery prize...
Oh, Well... what would I do with all that


Oval office answering machine;
You have reached the office of the President of the
United States.
President Obama is either away from his desk or
not in the Oval Office at this time.
At the tone, please leave your name, your
telephone number, the size of the bailout or
earmark that you are seeking and the aggregate
dollar amount of your campaign donations to date.

I was in a pub last night and saw two “girls of size”,
(as PC now requires us to say) by the bar.
 They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making
assumptions about their origins I said, "Hello, are
you two girls from Ireland?"
One of them screamed, "It’s Wales you fooking
So I immediately apologized and said,
“Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?”
That's when all hell broke loose!

An old woman says to her friend: “You know,
last night I was shivering all over from
Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth
The old woman: “I don’t think so.
We haven’t slept together for ages.”

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown
Washington, D.C.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen,
I'm going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this
 "What?" the man huffed.
"Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States Senate?"
 "Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that.
But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

Gus had tried to be particularly careful about his
language as he played golf with his preacher.
But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit
out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly
with a string of expletives.
 The preacher felt obliged to respond.
"I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that
the best golfers do not use foul language."
 "I guess not", said Gus, "what the hell do they
have to cuss about?"

When I had my last check-up my doctor said I
needed to give up half of my sex life.
So I asked, which half, thinking about it or
reading about it?

I bought a plunger the other day.
You ever bought a plunger?
Its an embarrassing purchase.
At first, you think its no big deal.
Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you
realize everybody knows; you got a situation
at home.
Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.

What's the difference between Viagra and Al Gore.....
Viagra really works !

An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was
about to be married, decided to give her a diamond
ring that had been in the family for several
The stone had never been appraised, so the father
asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look
at it.
She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she
would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat
sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring.
She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the
diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from
the next table.
"These Texas women are tough!"

Friday, March 30, 2012

Good Morning...Friends and neighbors..
Looks to be a nice weekend coming up...
Would be nice to win that big lottery prize...
But what would I do with it??

Well, It looks like no pictures today....
Blogger won't upload pictures...
I have tried for over an hour....

CNN said that, after the war, there is a plan to
divide Iraq into 3 parts, regular, premium and

I had to voice my concern when a co-worker said
she found dates using the Internet.
"Don't worry about me," she said, "I always insist
we meet at a miniature golf course."
 "Why there?" I asked.
"First, it's a public spot," she said.
"Second, it's in broad daylight.
And third, I have a club in my hand."

 What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of
a camera!

Billionaire Virgin business group boss
Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the
Indian cricket team currently reeling after a string
of tournament defeats.
 However, the Board of Control for Cricket of India
(BCCI) has politely refused the generous
multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-mad
 As one of the Board official snapped:
"We can't have VIRGIN written on our shirts,
when we got screwed in every match in England"!

Seen on the door of a repair shop:
(please knock on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

I see the baby's nose is running again,"
said a worried father.
"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife.
"Can't you think of anything other than
horse racing?"

As a Easy Jet Air Lines jet was flying over
Pyranees on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing
his passengers with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor
Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in
northern Spain which formed the Mediterranean
It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron,
roughly 150 miles long and weighing 300,000 tons
struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour,
scattering white-hot debris for miles in every
The hole measures nearly 50 miles across and is
570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim,
"Wow!.... It just missed the motorway too!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.

"Must you really lick the knife?"
"Sorry, force of habit," I said, "Loads of people do
it though, don't they?"
"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor."

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales
that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped
in a coin.
 "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a
small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a
great lover."
 "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight
wrong, too."


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Good Morning......
Ready for a new day??

A woman was taking her time browsing through
a yard sale.
She told the hostess, "My husband is in the car
and he's going to be angry that I stayed this long
at your sale."
"Oh, I'm sure he'll understand when he seen the
bargains you've found," replied the hostess.
"Normally, maybe, but he just broke his leg and
we were on our way to the hospital!"

 Proof that you can't ever underestimate the
creativity of boys for mischief.
Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we
had in high school, I don't know how we missed
doing this....
At a high school in Montana , a group of students
played a prank.... they let three goats loose inside
the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted
numbers on the sides of the goats:
1, 2, and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day
looking for No. 3.

Late one evening, a woman wanted to pick up
some items at a convenience store.
Uncertain that it would still be open, she called to
ask what time they would close. 
The man who answered told her, "Ten, but we
start giving people dirty looks fifteen minutes

A man saw that his neighbor's car was wrecked
and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt,
and blood.
He asked, "What happened to your car?"
"Well," the neighbor replied, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," said the man, "that explains the blood, but
what about the leaves, the grass, the branches,
and the dirt?"
"Well," the neighbor replied, "I had to chase him
through the park."

The class assignment in composition was to write
about something unusual that happened during
the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his.
"Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher.
"Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving.
"He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

A seafood diet is the best, whenever you see food,
eat it.

Ever wonder why they never show the people
eating during films whilst in-flight?......
It's not because of the film's content,
it's because the people in the film are eating better
than the people on board.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning.
May not sound like much, but there's only so
many times you can hit the snooze button.

My friend Dave was taking his first plane trip.
The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing
"It's to keep your ears from popping at high
altitudes," she explains.
 When the plane landed Dave rushed up to her.
"Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' my wife right away.
How do I get the gum out of my ears?"

Patient:  "This hospital is no good.
They treat us like dogs."
Orderly:  Mr Jones, you know that's not true. 
Now, roll over."


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Good Morning, Friends.....


I finally convinced my mother that it was a good
idea for her to learn to text.
Her first message to me?

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.
On the first hole, he sliced into the rough.
His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under
his breath.
 On the second hole, the ball went straight into a
water hazard.
"Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
 On the third hole, a miracle occurred and
Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six
inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved
around the hole instead of going in.
 By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his
curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest
said 'Hoover'.
"It's the biggest dam I know," said the priest.

A priest was walking along the corridor of the
parochial school near the preschool wing when
a group of little ones were trotting by on the way
to the cafeteria.
 One little boy stopped and looked at him in his
clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress
 He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform
priests wear.
The little boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar
tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
 The priest was perplexed till he realized that to
him the collar tab looked like a band-aid.
 So the priest took it out and handed it to the little
boy, to show him.
On the back of the tab were raised letters giving
the name of the manufacturer.
 The boy felt the letters, and the priest asked,
"Do you know what those words say?"
 "Yes I do," replied the young boy, who was not old
enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said,
"Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Q: What's black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

Wife to husband:  "Shall we watch the six o'clock
news and get indigestion or wait for the
eleven o'clock news and have insomnia?"

This weekend, my son asked why they kept the
seals like this and not let them live in the sea?
I said they would probably be eaten by a shark.
After noticing one of the seals had a split in his
flipper he proclaimed.
That seal wouldn't be eaten by a shark.
I asked why?
Because he said, a shark won't eat if the seal
is broken!.

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who
talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling
the young officer that she had to get there before
she forgot where she was going?

Little boy to pal as they leave the movie: 
"I like television better. 
It's not so far to the bathroom."

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Good Morning, friends...
Boy, did the weather man get the
temp wrong.....

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a
report for school about World War II, specifically
D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.
 “Isn’t there a movie about that?” she asked.
 I told her there was, but I couldn’t think of the
 Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember!
Isn’t it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo’?”

95% of news articles about shark attacks feature
a picture of an entirely innocent shark.

A man in a Jaguar passed a Mini Cooper that had
broken down by the side of the road.
Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a
tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest
After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed
them at high speed.
The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by
a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a mini in tow,
slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and
Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the
road, the Cooper and it's occupant trailing wildly
about at the end of the rope frantically trying to
attract their attention and failing.
 A Police car saw them and gave chase.
The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters
"Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a
Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150
mph - and a bloke in a mini flashing his lights,
blowing his horn and trying to pass them!"

 A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and
said, "The Jewish people have observed their
5,759th year as a people..."
 "Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only
observed their 4,692nd year as a people.
Now, what does it mean to you?"
 After a moment of silence, a student raised his
"Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?"
David replied,"It means that the Jews had to
suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years."

 Internal Revenue agent to tax payer: 
"We try to be lenient, sir, but we can't allow this
one-dollar payment to the tooth fairy as a medical

Wife by text to husband at work ............
"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water
 on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that -
now computer won't work at all"!

I just read in the local paper that one of our
third-generation farmers just hit the lotto for
17.3 mil.
When the reporter asked him what he intended to
do with all his new-found wealth, he answered:
"Well, I don't rightly know.
I recon I'll just keep farming 'till it's gone."

The doctor told me to try a diet for my high
cholesterol, he said if the food tastes good
spit it out.

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that
her husband has taken ill.
The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature;
she replied that she hadn't but would and then
call back.
 When she hadn't called within a half hour,
the doctor called and asked her what had
 She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer,
so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry,
so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"



Monday, March 26, 2012

Good Morning, every one....
New week coming up..


Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for
Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family
had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting
of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small
grandchildren, observing,
"The pilgrim children liked to go to church with
their mothers and fathers."
 "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their
dad carrying that rifle?"

You know you're getting old when your liver spots
show through your gloves.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right
breast..... It turned out to be a trick knee.

 You know you're old if they have discontinued
your blood type.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

One doctor to another,
"It's called an experimental drug because they
don't know whether they'll make a bundle on it yet."

After laughing at some of the jokes on here,
I'm convinced that I am going to hell.
But it's okay - it's warm and I'll know people there!

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first
 They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the
film to start.
 The screen finally lit up with a flashy
advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.
 Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.
 The film began but the silence continued.
 Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice
in the crowd loudly shouted....
 'Okay, who's got the remote control?'

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all
that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy
himself dinner?


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Good Morning, Friends...


The wise old Mother Superior from county
Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make
her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received
as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and
poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass
to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole
glass down to the last drop.
Mother," the nuns asked with earnest,
"Please give us some wisdom before you leave us.
"She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on
her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Highway Robbery in R-ville....
Gus got robbed at the BP station today.
He called the cops to report it and they asked him
if I knew who did it.
He said, yep..... Pump #3.

A blonde is found by the beach,
putting shampoo all over the clothes that she is
Someone walks over and says "what are you doing?"
blonde says "I am trying to wash my clothes"
guy says "you dont have to do that, you can use a
washing machine"
blonde says "I tried, but it made me dizzy"

I had a yard sale,... sold somebody else’s yard
while they were gone.
Boy, were they surprised when they got home and
the new 'owners' were sitting there, in lawn chairs !!!

 I went to the doctors the other day and I said,
'Have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

 A nun was walking in the convent when one of the
priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.
"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?"
he asked.
 "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan
A month or so later the priest noticed that she
had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?"
he asked again.
 "Oh no, Father.
Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed
Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and
said, "Cute little fart."

 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.

the U.S. Department of the Interior used metal
bands that bear the address of the Washington
Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from
a camper:
Dear Sirs,
While camping last week I shot one of your birds.
I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag
and I want to tell you it was horrible.

 Slept like a log last night........
Woke up in the fireplace.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Good Morning, World..
Spring is here, and everthing is in bloom..
Maybe a few showers, but thats good...


No joke more truth........
"Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty
for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years
in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to
you is another two years in office. "

The Unicorn barely made it aboard Noah's Ark...
He's so happy to be there he doesn't even care
about the rain.
He goes up on deck and sees the other Unicorn,
so he goes over to introduce himself.
 "Hi, I'm George! I barely made it!
Can you believe we're the last two Unicorns on
We get to repopulate our species after the flood is
Isn't that great?
What's your name, sweetheart?"
 "Steve," says the other Unicorn.

To my nature loving friends!......
The newsletter from, "The Texas Gardener Seeds"
Put up a bat house to encourage the presence of
these shy animals.
Bats consume 3,000 or more mosquitoes and
other insects nightly, and bats are less likely to be
rabid than dogs are.
 Need another reason?
Bats are responsible for up to 95 percent of the
seed dispersal essential to the regeneration of
Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and
astonishing creatures.
Here are three from the Bat Family...
Sucker-footed Bat
Red-Winged Fruit Bat
Left-Winged Socialist, Ding Bat.
So 2 out of 3 Bats have a useful purpose!
If we could just train them to eat mosquitoes...
or do anything useful for that matter!

 If you lose one sense, your other senses become
That's why people with no sense of humour have
an increased sense of self-importance.

His wife's graveside service was just barely
finished, when there was a massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, "Well, she's there."

A couple was having a discussion about family
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for
my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your
money I wouldn't be here."

A tour Bus driver is driving with a Bus load of
seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old Lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he
gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his
shoulder again and she hands him another
handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch
again he asks the little old lady,
‘Why don’t you eat the Peanuts yourself”?
‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth’,
she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them
The Old Lady Replied,
‘We just love the Chocolate around them”.

A door-to-door poll-taker asked a young
housewife what form of contraception she
 and her husband used.
"We use the bucket-and-saucer method,"
replied the Woman.
"Gee, I'm not familiar with that method," the
poll-taker replied, "Can you explain it to me?
"Well, it works like this.
My husband's shorter than me so he has to stand
on a bucket."
"I see," said the poll-taker, still confused,
"What happens then?"
"And when his eyes get as big as saucers," the
housewife continued, "I kick the bucket out
from under him!