Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Good morning...friends and readers....
We're having a very nice day ahead....

He's ready for can anyone be afraid of him?

He's saying...that critter was this big...........

Mama's watching her little one.....built in leash........

A cutie learning to bite.........

Watch out.....mean critters.......

I didn't know that............

Beer cans?!

I don't know why, but I found this funny........
~~ Two oranges walk into a pub and one says to the other......

"You're round!"

~~ A piece of string walks into the pub.
The barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve string."
String goes outside, ties itself up a bit, pulls it's ends apart,
goes back in the pub.
Barman says, "Aren't you that piece of string I just
refused to serve?"
String says, "No mate, I'm a frayed knot"..

~~ A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers
was all wet.
Turning to the man on his right he asked,
"Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
Nope," came the reply.
Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked,
"Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
The man also replied, "Nope."
"Oops, it must have been an inside job."

~~ "Women grow radical with age.
One day an army of gray-haired women may quietly take
over the earth."

~~ Sign in a flower shop: "Bring flowers home to your wife.
She must be mad at you for something."

~~ TEACHER: What's the purpose for having school?
ALEX: Without school there would be no reason for holidays and summer vacation.

~~ "You can say this for ready-mixes...
the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies
exactly like grandmother used to make."

~~ "It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration
stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just
gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat."

~~ A very sad looking man walks into the pharmacy
Asks for some arsenic & the pharmacist asks him do you
have pest problems... rats, ect?
No replies the man I've just had a very rough life & I'm going
to end it!
Ok, says the pharmacist that will be....fifteen twenty five
The man hands him a twenty, the pharmacist pushes the
order across the counter & shoves the twenty in the till.
The man stands there staring at the pharmacist.
What! says the pharmacist serious....
You want change?

~~ Earl said, When I was a kid we were so poor,
we would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

~~~ Sitting around the hotel pool, Steve said to Richard,
"Oh, I love bathing beauties."
Richard snorted. "Lucky you!
All I ever get to bathe is my dogs."

~~ If someone comments that he took a financial beating
in the market, he might be talking about the supermarket.
Todays Thought: There is a lot more juice in grapefruit than meets the eye.
or... The more you know, the more you know you ought to know.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Good Morning....Friends.....Gonna be a nice day.....
In the 40's this morning.....

Have a cup of coffee?  She's willing to share......................

He's wanting a donut to go with his coffee................

Now these are wierd looking....Related to cicadas – three lantern bugs in a row

Not your self.......

Not a good place to park........I want my money back..........

I don't know.....I am guilty of time....and did worst.....

Get checked ........It's the right thing to do......

Dive bomber.........
~~ The topic of our seventh-grade science class was Dolly,

the sheep cloned in Scotland several years back.
We discussed how scientists removed the nucleus from the
sheep egg cell and replaced it with the nucleus from the
parent cell.
The students were fascinated, one in particular.
"This is amazing," he said.... "I had no idea sheep laid eggs."

~~ "There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who
can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will."

~~ For my grandfather's 80th birthday,
we had a huge family celebration and even managed to
get a photo announcement printed in the local paper.
"That was a nice shot," I commented.
"It's my passport picture," he revealed.
"Really?" I stared in complete amazement at my homebody
"Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," he replied.

~~ "Make sure you wash your hands before your piano
lesson," I reminded my eight-year-old son.
"They're probably dirty from soccer practice."
"Don't have to, " he reassured me.
"Today I'm practicing in E Flat Minor....
They're black keys."

~~ One night my friend Ray and I were sitting at a bar where
he used to work, when an attractive woman,
a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him.
She told him she had just had a fight with her husband,
a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when,
as a joke, I leaned over to Ray.
"Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six- five just
walked in...... And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, Ray turned to me.
"Quick, Jerry," he said, "kiss me on the lips."

~~ Sherry answered an advertisement for a typist to
work on a book on weather forecasting.
She gave her typing speed as: "Approximately 55 w.p.m.
with occasional gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m.
She got the job.

~~ Mother to Son as he is going out the door,
"You're going to school dressed like that?
I can hardly see your underwear!"

~~ A man went into a bank and almost on hands and
knees, begged for a loan.
He needed the money desperately to feed his family.
The banker okayed the loan and in no time at all handed
the borrower a check in the amount of the loan.
The banker said,
"I'd suggest you go right out and buy some food."
The borrower looked at the banker indignantly and
answered, "Don't tell me what to do with my money!"

~~ A baby brightens up a home.
Since ours came, the lights have been on all night!

~~~ A married college student, noticeably pregnant, keeps rubbing her
side during a final exam.
Before she leaves, the professor asks if she is OK.
"I noticed you were holding onto your side," he says.
"Oh, I'm fine," she answers.
"It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs,
and it hurt a little."
"Well, that's good," the professor says, feeling genuinely relieved.
"Yes," she continues.
"It's strange..... We both normally sleep during your class."

~~ The speed limit is generally fifty-five miles per hour
in the country and twenty in the city,
but the average driver adds them together.

~~~ At my daughter's school, the lunch-hour rule is that the children
must eat their main course first, before dessert.
One morning I had to make Jerry's lunch in a hurry: granola bar,
cheese, raisins, cantaloupe, orange, snack cake and a juice.
Jerry looked distressed, so I explained that his lunch was nutritious,
and I just didn't have time to make a sandwich.
"But Mom," Jerry cried, "what do I eat first?"

~~~ I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file

of frequently used addresses was missing.
Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the
wastebasket, I called the office janitor.
'I've lost my Rolodex,' I told him.
'It may have been picked up with the trash.
Is there any way you could find it?'
He said he would conduct a search.
When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash
container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door.
'Good night,' he said smiling apologetically.
'Sorry I couldn't find your watch.'

~~ I was visiting my daughter, Cheryl, a successful young
professional, when I noticed half a piece of French bread in
its original wrapper in her recycling box.
When I told her that she couldn't put bread in the recycling box,
she said, "Why not? It tastes like cardboard!"
Todays Thought:  I'm sorry for not communicating but sometimes it's
hard to write on a moving planet!


Monday, September 28, 2009

Good Morning.....Eberyone......Hope you had a good weekend......
Got the bestest card,...from a special Lady... Made my day....

Kids can just sleep anywhere........

One of life's lessons.......

Must have been working hard..........just a cat nap needed.......

A wannabe Pirate...?....I bet its hard driving......

More Pirates??....They don't look too tuff.......

What big teeth you have ....gramma.....

Need some chest hair??.....Just what I need.......

"How far is it to the nearest McDonalds?"

Well now your question can be answered.
Here is a map colored according to distance to McDs.

What can you say??
~~ A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the

value of coins.
She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk.
"Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.
From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!"

~~ Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom.
"I'm renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress,
and I've reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town," she said.
Our teacher overheard her and shook her head.
"I didn't spend that much on my wedding."
My friend answered, "I can have three or four weddings.
But a prom you do only once.

~~ While editing announcements for a newspaper,
I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma.
Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy,
such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more,
it promised that its lakefront property offered something the
kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views."

~~ Despite his low opinion of lieutenants,
the sergeant kept a respectful tone as he taught us how to
bail out of a plane in an emergency.
"Sirs, to open the hatch," he began, "turn this lever to the right,
then pull that handle."
"What if we don’t follow that sequence?"
a second lieutenant asked.
"Then, sir," said the sergeant patiently,
"you hit the hatch handle with a crash axe."
"That’ll open the hatch?"
"No, sir.....................
But it will keep your mind occupied until you crash."

~~ QUESTION: Why does beer go through your system so fast?
ANSWER: Because it doesn't have to stop and change color....

~~ At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife
about how she always get her way.
"Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way,
that's a compromise."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.
She replied, "That's a miracle."

~~ At the beginning of the school year, I asked my Grade 2
students to write about something exciting they did that summer,
then to draw a picture to illustrate it.
One student proudly presented his account of a ride on a
roller coaster, but he had not drawn a picture.
When I asked why he hadn't done this, he declared,
"I couldn't: I didn't see anything because my eyes were closed."

~~ As the only vegetarian in my family,
I often get tired of defending my food choices to other
family members, especially at the large dinner gatherings
we have on special occasions.
I didn't realize how often the subject is actually discussed
until one day around Thanksgiving,
when I picked up my six-year-old, Jordan, from school.
His class had made Thanksgiving turkey crafts using potatoes
and paper feathers.
Jordan proudly presented his to me, announcing excitedly,
"Mom, this year we'll finally have the kind of turkey even
you can eat!"

~~ One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt.
When he got in he said to the ticket collector:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favour,
I have to get down this train in Mannheim,
but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep.
So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in
Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it
is very important for me.
Here you have 100 euros for the favour.
But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get
really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to
get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket collector agreed and took the 100 euros.
Later as the man had predicted he fall asleep,
and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt.
He was so mad at the ticket collector that he ran over and
started yelling at him.
"Are you STUPID or something???
I paid you 100 euros so that you wake me up in Mannheim.
And you didn't! I want my money back"........
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys
that were also in the train were looking at them,
so one turns to the other and says to him:
"Look at this guy he is pissed!"
Guy2, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out
of the train in Mannheim."

~~ Unusual and intricate cakes were our specialty
at the bakery where I worked.
I told one of my customers she had chosen a cake
that was $25 and was recommended for five servings.
"Twenty dollars?" she asked me.
I repeated the cost.
But again she asked if it was $20.
Once more I corrected her.
"But if the cake is $25 for five servings,"
she explained, "then I should be charged $20 since
I'm serving only four people."

~~ Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.

~~ In my kindergarten class, the "special person" of the
day brings an item from home and the children ask
questions like, "What is it?" and "Who gave it to you?"
They usually bring an action figure or favorite toy,
so I was impressed when Haley arrived with an educational toy.
When I asked why she chose to bring it,
Haley rolled her eyes and replied,...  "My Dad made me."
Todays Thought:  A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Good Morning....Friends.....

Now he thinks he looks cool........

Well, Trimmed that you can get in the door......

Wow.....he's good....

Meat with out feet......?

Then this must be meat with feet........?

Meat with cake.......?

Yea, right!......98 cents for more like it........

Poor date for you........

~~          A DETERMINED SPIRIT (Author Unknown)

Once upon a time, a small bird named Tasoo lived in a
vast jungle.
One hot summer day, a terrible wildfire erupted and the flames
devoured many trees and animals living in the jungle.
Other birds flew high into the sky and far away to safety,
but Tasoo couldn't bear to leave her precious jungle home
to burn.
Day and night, she flew with all her might back and forth to
the river, filling her tiny beak with water to drop on the raging
Tasoo's rare heart of courage and unshakable determination
moved the heavenly gods to shed tears,
and a great rain poured down upon the jungle,
extinguishing the flames.
And so it is that even the smallest actions of a determined
spirit can change the world.

~~ If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

~~ A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out
into the road strayed a rooster:
Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud
of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang
the doorbell.
A farmer appeared.
The man somewhat nervously said:
"I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

~~ QUESTION: How do fish get stoned?
ANSWER: Seaweed.

~~ POLICEMAN: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen?
SUSPECT: It wasn't when I took it.

~~ A Medicare patient awoke after surgery to find a sign
propped up against his incision.
It read: "This is a federal project showing your tax dollars
at work."

~~ CUSTOMER: How long must I wait for that turtle soup I
WAITER: Well, you know how slow turtles are.

~~ A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump
from a bridge and yelled, "Wait, Fellow! Please don't do that!!!
The salesman said, "Why not?" and proceeded to expound
on his views on the shaky economy,
declining family life and crooked politics.
Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.

~~ Mom... Grandma says I'm as cute as a bug.
Her bugs must be a lot cuter than ours."

~~ By coincidence, the surgeon performing the medical
procedure on me was the son of an NCO I had known
in the air force.
The doctor had even been born in the same military
hospital in Germany as my own son when his father
and I were serving with a U.S. NATO unit.
I was conscious during the procedure and, trying to inject
a note of levity into the situation,
observed that I hadn't thought I would ever experience
an air-force brat messing around inside my heart.
"I didn't think I'd ever be messing around in an old
colonel's heart," the doctor responded.
"In fact, I didn't even know they had one!"

~~ Teacher: Gus, what do you call a person who keeps
on talking when people are no longer interested?
Gus: A teacher

~~ The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds
a natural- history lesson.
"Worker ants," she told them,
"can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer:
"They don't have a union."
Todays Thought:  Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Good Morning....Everybody.....

Now he's kinda weird......

Bite the dirt.....That's gotta hurt.....

OMG..I'm not gonna say anything........

Hey....I'm only the messanger...don't shoot......

Now....thats a no-no....starting them young.......

A goat??  something an't right!

I have no idea?? but it's cool looking..

I don't think it will work...look at the handle......

                                                                                                                                                                   ~~ A quiet new nurse was starting her first evening in a

tight-knit ER.
The other nurses were concerned that she might not share
in the workplace banter they had developed.
Their fears were soon relieved.
One night, one of the nurses observed this new nurse
sitting alone at the nurses' station.
"Are you the only fool here?" the veteran asked.
"Not now," replied the newbie, without missing a beat.

~~ A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her
six-month- old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby.
Two elderly women approached the mother.
"Are they twins?" one asked.
"No, they're three months apart."
"My! You sure had them close together."

~~ "I see you last worked in a psychiatrist's office,"
said the employment agency director to the nurse.
"Why did you leave?"
"Well," the nurse replied, "I just couldn't win.
If I was late to work, I was hostile.
If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."

~~ Attorney Rodney Donohoo, of Santa Ana, California,
was riding up an elevator with two elderly women one day.
One of the ladies asked if the lawyers had offices on all the
top floors of the building.
"Yes, they do," Donohoo replied.
"It's a good thing," the woman told her friend.
"That's probably as close to heaven as most lawyers will
ever get."

~~ At my age, when a girl flirts with me in the movies,
she's after my popcorn.

~~ "Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?
Men don't like flowers.....
I've been wearing a great new scent.
It's called 'New Car Interior'." (Rita Rudner)

~~ Bobbie and I were discussing diet tips.
When I mentioned that getting enough exercise and
sleep were just as important as watching food intake,
Bobbie responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.
Gus replied: "Of course sleep has a lot to do with dieting.
The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"

~~ After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late
in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded,
"Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."
"Well, I picked up a minister along the road,"
explained the hired hand,
"and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."

~~ One rainy day I watched a neighbor struggling to push her
toddler in a stroller with one hand and control her poodle with
the other.
The dog didn’t want to get its paws wet and was refusing to walk.
I was about to put on my jacket to offer some help when the
trio disappeared behind some hedges.
When they reappeared, she seemed to have sorted out
her problem: The toddler and the dog were in the stroller.

~~ Wisdom has two parts:
1) Having a lot to say.
2) Not saying it.

~~ It was a cold winter day in Philadelphia,
the roads were icy and I was nearly frozen as I ran
across Frankford Avenue, heading home for lunch.
I was almost at the sidewalk when I slipped and fell.
I tried to get up, but slipped again.
The traffic light was changing,
and I frantically crawled to the curb on my hands and knees.
An elderly gentleman came over to help me.
"You know," he scolded, "that's no way to cross the street."

~~ When your mother asks,
"Do you want a piece of advice?"
it is a mere formality.
It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no.
You're going to get it anyway.

~~ A rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope
he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and
forgot to sign their names,
but this week I received a letter from someone who
signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.

~~ The sergeant was in one of his rare moods as he
lectured the recruits.
"Let me ask you a simple question, what is fortification?"
There was no response.
Nor did any of the rookies answer when he repeated
the question.
Walking up to the new man who looked closest to normal,
the sergeant barked right into his face,
"What is fortification?"
The soldier gulped and managed an answer,
"Two twentifications, Sarge!"
Todays Thought:  If pigs had wings, they'd look pretty silly.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Good Morning.....Friends..A nice rainy day....

An't he cute.......

You know that cars been here along time....

Sleepy ......?

I don't think so........

Banana art.....

For new....few scratches....

All fixed.......good job ?

Wonder were the seeing eye dog is??

~~ It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska.

Pat is drinking at his local saloon, and the bartender says to him,
"You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender.
"I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right
here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender.
"I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid.".

~~ One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a
sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks,
realised he was the last person in the bar except for a
chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up.
Why don't you send that other fellow home?"
"Well, I should," said the other.
Then, with Gallic logic, he added,
"But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and ...
pays it again.".

~~ By the time a woman realizes her mother was right,
she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

~~ A few days before my son was to start kindergarten,
he declared he did not intend to go to school.
"You're very lucky to have been born in a country where
the government guarantees each child an education,"
I told him.
"This way everyone grows smart and invents things to
make life better."
I assumed I had made my point, until the next day.
"Dad," he asked nervously.
"If everyone in the country is smart,
and just one person is stupid, will it make a big difference?"

~~ They used to say a recession is when your neighbor
lost his job, and a depression is when you lost yours,
but now they say a recession is when Wall Street gets
bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it.

~~ "Hi, sweetheart," Bobbie said to her six-year-old niece,
Allison, when she phoned. "What's new?"
"Well, Aunt Bobbie, you know those chocolate chip cookies
you made us?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "Is anything wrong with them?"
"Well, er, kind of."
"What? Didn't I put in enough chocolate chips?"
"Well, uh, it's not that," she stammered.
"Allison, what's wrong?"
"Well, I just thought you'd like to know...
I'm eating the last one."

~~ Sue was six months pregnant when the bank where
she worked acquired the property next door and began
renovations to the building.
Management supplied T-shirts for them to wear at work
so their clothes wouldn't get dusty.
After seeing them, however, she was less than enthusiastic.
Bold letters across the front stated:
“Expanding to serve you better.”

~~ Dinosaurs are fascinating.
My four-year-old is obsessed with them.
Recently we were riding on a bus, and he asked another
passenger for her name.
"My name is Deena," she said. "Can you say Deena?"
"Deena," said my son.......
"Can you say pachycephalosaurus?"

~~ My mother and grandmother often told me to eat the
crusts from my bread if I wanted curly hair.
I recently passed this piece of wisdom on to my five-year-old
"It's okay, Grandma," Susan replied.
"Mom uses the curling iron."

~~ Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his
second wife to his success.

~~ Substituting in a kindergarten class,
I introduced myself and invited the children to help me
learn their routines and rules.
They spent the day filling me in on every little detail.
The next day, I taught the same class.
As I greeted the students at the classroom door that
morning, one of the little girls stopped short,
put her hand on her hip and looked me square in the face.
"I sure hope," she said,
"you didn't forget everything we taught you yesterday!"
Todays Thought: "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be
sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."- Henny Youngman...