Seems everthing went downhill for me over the weekend.........
I hope yours was better....Any way a new day's dawning..........
Nothing worst, then running out of T-paper........
Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey.
That’s right, the most powerful person in the free world is going to have
dinner with President Obama.
~~~ A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," the caller said."
Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
~~~ A rabbit and a duck went out to dinner.
Who paid? The duck - because he had the bill.
~~~ Disc jockey Alfonse Alfonso was riding the bus to work and his chest
swelled when he heard a mother say to her young son, "Teddy, do you want
to listen to the Alfonse Alfonso Show when we get home?"
"No!" snapped the child.
Then behave yourself."
~~~ The boy's impatient math teacher snarled, "And just how far are you
from the correct answer?"
To which the boy replied, "Three seats, sir."
~~~ Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said
to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe
and hit a four-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on
the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the
caddy under estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards
off the front of the tee.Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said,
"And now for one long putt..."
~~~ It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch
office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully
shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return.
And waits. And waits."
Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network
back to life," says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings.
It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an
unscheduled outage the day before.
The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.
The Administrator's response?
"Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"
~~~ Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed
him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money.
I didn't need the coupon."
~~~ Once upon a time there was an archery contest.
The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...
He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.
Then he takes of his cape and screams:
I AM......ROBIN HOOD!!!
The crowd cheers!
The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts Robin Hood's arrow
He takes off his cape and screams:
I AM......WILLIAM TELL!!!!!!
The crowd cheers!!
Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!!
It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!
Then the man takes off his cape and screams:
~~~ When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage.
So, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and
explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see.
Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
~~~ INDICATORS THAT YOU HAVE TOO MUCH ZUCCHINI:
Your neighbor finds them every morning in his mailbox.
You are eating it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, snacks too.
You have a flute made out of a zucchini.
The stores pay you to take some off their shelves.
Even the field mice stop eating it.
You till under the zucchini plants, but still have more today than you
Nightmares about a giant zucchini wakes you in the night.
Your kids are using it for building blocks.
You spray your zucchini plants with sugar water to attract insects.
But, they won't bite.
~~~ Doctor to Taz: "You look terribly weak and exhausted!
Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?"
Taz replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day." .
Todays Thought: Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest
person in the room.