I know some that arn't....
Driving Miss Daisy..........
~~~ My Grandad used to put a spoonful of gunpowder into his tea every morning.
He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of 97.
He left a widow, two children, 14 grandchildren and a 50 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
~~~ Two church members were going door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did close and in fact bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result--the door bounced back open.
Convinced these young people were putting their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
~~~ A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff!
I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
~~~ Some mornings I wake up bitchy.
Other mornings I let her sleep.
~~~ Two friends meet each other on the street. "Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me!..... I'm coming from the cemetery.
I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?".
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a heck of a fight!"
~~~ THE NOSE...Indicates the character of the man.
Prominent noses = intelligence and determination.
Thin noses = jealousy and uncertainty.
Receding noses = bad temper and obstinacy.
Tip-tilted noses = bright and lively characters.
There is said to be a connection between the size of a man's nose and...well you know.
~~~ THE EYES...Are the 'windows to the soul' and the color leads to differing beliefs.
Dark blue eyes = delicate and refined souls
Light blue or Grey eyes = strong and healthy souls
Green eyes = hardy souls
Brown or Hazel eyes = vigorous, deep-thinking folk/souls.
~~~ A young woman was our guide on a tour of the old Alaskan Gold Rush town of Skagway.
I'd heard how guys are the majority in that part of the country, so I asked her: "What's the ratio of men to women here?"
"In Skagway? About one to one.
But I'm told Juneau has something like ten men for every woman," she said.
"Why didn't you move there?" I said......."The odds seem so much better."
"Oh, the odds are good," she acknowledged with a smile, "but the goods are odd."
~~~ Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.
One day, in exasperation. I pointed out to him that our friend, Bea had taught her husband, Frank, to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Bea, Frank would be able to care for himself.
Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment, my husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank."
~~~ My friend Jan told me about her son's fifth-grade career day, where the children were asked, "Who knows what a psychiatrist does?"
Jan's son replied, "That's someone who asks you to lie down on a couch and then blames everything on your mother."
~~~ When our last child moved out, my wife encouraged me to join Big Brothers.
I was matched with a 13-year-old named Alex.
At our first outing, we ran into his friend at the library.
"Who's he?" the friend asked Alex, pointing to me."
My Big Brother, Randall."The boy looked at me, then back at Alex.
"Dude, how old is your mother?"
Todays Thought: Leisure time is when your wife can't find you.