Wanna play ball ?.........................................................................
When Dad's satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk.
The television set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires that were spilling out the back of it.
He looked absolutely overwhelmed.
"Tell you what I'm going to do," Dad said to the technician."
I'm going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, and then call you back."
"How about that Michael Phelps?
Eight Olympic gold medals. To me, that's not the most impressive thing.
The guy is actually swimming home from China." -David Letterman
Few people outside the military know what a quartermaster does.
So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore, I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.
When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you know what I do?"
"Oh, yes," she answered. "You're a cheerleader."
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars.
When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
I spent a good part of a recent afternoon stuck on the grocery's express line behind a person with way too many items.
"I'm sorry," she told the clerk.
"I guess I forgot to count the things I had in my cart."
"Don't worry," the clerk replied.
"Everyone behind you is counting them."
Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.