Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Well now......Good morning....every one.....
It's a chilly 40º f degrees and rthe wind is blowing very hard....
Makes you wanna be huddled up with your honey in a warm place...

These two seem to be doing Okay......

He's saying "Whooooo"

And he's saying .. Ohhhh Nooooo! my head hurts.....never again..
Transferred to New Orleans...
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there.

They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says.

Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.
I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.

What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
A few days after a truck containing thousands of dollars worth of expensive fragrances was stolen from a wholesale perfume distributor, the company president called the police to ask if they'd caught the crooks yet.
"No," said the officer, "but we are on the scent!"
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the Greene county traffic court.
When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?' "
Another trouble with government is that it seems to think that the individual owes it a living.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Good Afternoon.....

I'm Late, had a little puter trouble, this morning....
But we're up and running.....

Katten Pizza ??

Red neck, Hot tub......

Ma..Ma......I fall in..............................wha.............

A certain car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of several people in the community, informed a farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer attached this "price tag" to the cow:
BASIC COW.................................$ 499.95
Shipping and Handling.....................$ 35.75
Extra Stomach.............................$ 79.25
Two-tone exterior.........................$ 142.10
Produce storage compartment...............$ 126.50
Heavy-duty straw chopper..................$ 189.60
Four spigot/high-output drain system......$ 149.20
Automatic fly swatter.....................$ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery................$ 179.90
Deluxe dual horns.........................$ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment...........$ 339.40
4-by-4 traction drive assembly............$ 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb................$ 69.80
FARMER'S SUGGESTEDLIST PRICE................................$2, 843.36Additional dealer adjustments.............$ 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options)......$3,143.36
A guy walks into a bar carrying a dog which has no legs.
He places the legless dog on the bar table, and the bartender says, "Hey, what happened to your dog?"

The guy says, "He was born that way".

The bartender then says, "What's his name?"

The guy answers, "I never named him"
The bartender then said, "What a shame - no legs, no name, why didn't you at least give the poor pooch a name?"

The guy said, "Because he wouldn't come if you called him."

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat.
One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation.
"Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."

Monday, December 29, 2008

Good Morning.....People of the world.....

Welcome to our little piece of the world.....

Show your teeth like that, and you'll scare everybody...

See what I mean??


I think I'll have a seat and watch the world go by.........
A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high- school alma mater.
Last fall, a member of the Class of 86 returned the standard alumni questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status - Not good....
Wife's Name - Plaintiff....

Christmas Gifts Grandma loved her grandchildren and always sent them generous checks for Christmas.
She had noticed, though, that in the last couple of years, the grandchildren were not sending her thank you notes.

This year things were different, however.
One day, she was telling a friend how wonderful things were now.
"The children came over in person to thank me," grandma told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed.
"What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," grandma replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Travel, I hear, broadens the mind, but only seems to thin down my wallet.

Danielle, eight, was thrilled when her father Ned put a beautiful heart-shaped necklace around her neck.
"Happy birthday, honey," Ned said.
Danielle gushed, "Oh, thank you, Daddy. I love jewelry."
"Would you like to have one like Mommy's someday?" he asked her.
Danielle shook her head and replied, "No, I want real diamonds."
TOP SIGNS OF A BAD MOTEL.....The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Kennedy has died.
The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
The "magic fingers vibration" is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic.
There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow..
The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
The Only TV station you can get is a porno channel with roseanne on it.
The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A nice Sunday morning.....56º degrees.....

Parts of the country is getting lots of snow.....
We're having warm one day and cold the next..
but no snow.....yet.

Damn, this would plow some snow.........

Maybe they could use this bus.........

They don't have snow down under....?? I guess it falls away......
Yep.....and they need a bail out........It's called "GREED" in my book......
Police across the country say shoplifting is on the rise..
Adults are lifting electronics, kids are sneaking away with toys...

And banks are walking away with $750 billion in taxpayer money....

3 Signs you are a victim of the worsening economy....

You apply to refinance your mortgage and the reply is addressed to “Former Occupant”..

You trade in your big SUV for an electric hybrid vehicle and the power company turns off your electricity...

You jump off the roof of your three story house because of financial despair and land at the feet of the Publishers Clearinghouse prize patrol that is there to declare you the ten million dollar winner....

On a lighter note.......
Remember during the election when Obama, and McCaine were standing next to each other...
One young handsome black man and one old misfigured white guy.
reminded me of the before and after pictures of...... Michael Jackson..
Snail at the Door .......
A guy hears a knock at his door.
When he answers it, there’s nobody there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.
Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there’s another knock at the door.
The man answers it, and again there’s no one standing there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all about?”
Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed,
my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
- Johnny Carson

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Guess What...Good Morning......

"Witchy" it warm down there?
I believe I could take some warm weather....

Can house??

A Hungarian Pui Sheepdog......Needs brushing??
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter.
The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.


When a fellow begins to complain of the immodesty of women, he's getting pretty well along in years.

New to Wyoming, our minister asked a parishioner to show him around the area.
After a harrowing drive along muddy sagebrush trails, the minister's car slid across the road and into a pit.
With both men okay, the shaken minister asked his passenger, "Should we pray?"

The parishioner grumbled, "How do you think we got this far?"

After a couple completed an eight-month walk across the entire United States, they were met by a reporter who asked about their time.
"Well," the man replied, "we would have been faster, but after two days we had to turn around to make sure the oven was really off."

The curious thing about fishing is that you never want to go home.
If you catch something, you can't stop.
If you don't catch anything, you hate to leave in case something might bite.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Good Morning....I hope everyone had a great...........

A great Christmas sunrise..., and got to talk to "Witchy", .. Life is good....

Every ones getting a bail out except the ones that have a need......

Now we're talking snow........

Christmas gifts??.......................................
Tony is a lousy golfer, but that doesn't stop him from playing.
One day, on the first hole, he teed up, took a couple of practice swings, then swung in earnest
and missed the ball entirely.
He tried again and missed again.
The third time was the charm.
He swung and really missed.
"You were right," he said, taking a breather.
"This is a tough course."
Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue."

During the Civil War, General Ulysses S. Grant wasn't impressed by a fellow officer,
even though it was pointed out that the other man had served in ten campaigns.

So has that mule over there, Grant countered, but he's still a jackass, isn't he?

It is lawyers who run our civilization for us, our governments, our businesses,
our private lives...
We cannot buy a home or rent an apartment,
we cannot get married or try to get divorced,
we cannot leave our property to our children without calling on the lawyers to guide us.
To guide us, incidentally, through a maze of confusing gestures and formalities
that lawyers have created...
The legal trade, in short, is nothing but a high-call racket.

Father: Now, Michael, be good while you're away at camp.Michael:
Okay, Dad, I'll be good for ten dollars.
Father: Why, Son, when I was your age, I was good for nothing.


Thursday, December 25, 2008

A good Christmas Morning......

So from my family to your family we wish to wish all who read this thread Please ....
Have a Safe and Merry Christmas and above all Peace on Earth and Good Will towards All.

He's waiting for Santa........(Maybe a big bone ??)

Cat stew ??~~~~

He's waiting for Santa also........(Also maybe a big bone ??)
Department Store Santa Peeves;

Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin...

When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it..

Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"..

Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask..

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School...

Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes..

Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery ..since he got back from 'Nam..

Two words: lap rash..
I was babysitting a three-year-old when the stench from the cat
litter became so overbearing, I just had to clean it..
As I began scooping it out, I asked the boy, "Does your mommy do this?"..

"No," he said. "It's for the cats."..

My nephew Tyler brought his school photo home and showed it to his mother..
"Tyler, I thought I told you to take off your jacket before having your picture taken," she complained..
"And you didn't even smile.
In fact it looks as if you were talking while the picture was being taken."

"I was talking," Tyler replied.
"I was telling the photographer my mom wanted me to take off my jacket before I had my picture taken."
My wife's doctor wanted to wean her off antidepressants. .
"What would happen if you stopped taking them?" he asked..
"To me nothing" she said..
"But all of a sudden, my husband becomes a real jerk."..

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Good Morning....

I can't hear you........

Yeah! right..........................

Noe this is serious, them shoes hurt.........

How many do ya want?
For the holidays one year, rather than send gifts, my friend decided to enclose checks in her greeting cards.
Inside each card she wrote "Buy your own presents" and then sent them off.
A few weeks later, she discovered the checks she'd "Mailed" under a pile of books.
After successfully trying her case, Clarence Darrow was embraced by his lovely client, who thanked him expansively and desired to know, "How can I ever thank you?"

"My dear," replied the lawyer, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money, there has only been one answer to that question."

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice.
Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.
"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check.
"Do I just have him watch this?"
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work.
Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke.
We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier.
So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

After examining the paltry tips left by a church group, our waitress was not pleased.
Looking toward my table, she grumbled, "These people come in with the Ten Commandments and a ten-dollar bill, and they don't break any of them!"

One nice thing about my salary, no one will ever hold me for ransom.
I just want to wish all the readers...."Merry Christmas"!
and a Happy Holiday.....

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Good afternoon....

Well, it started out at 12º degrees, and got to 33º degrees...
Summerld keeps sending the cold fronts down here....

I just think these paintings by Carol is wonderful......

Carol, has a gift.....

These two are resting......

These two are just playing....thats how they learn to hunt....


Watching a National Geographic TV program on the Pacific Rim with his dad Bucky, four-year-old Andrew asked,"Where's Japan?"

Bucky showed him on the globe and asked, "What country do we live in?"

Andrew replied, "The United States of American Idol."


Every December it was the same excruciating tradition.

Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree.

Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on,

convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead."

One year I snapped. "Mom, face it.

The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man.

Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too

many bald spots and is straight."


We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

Andy Rooney


A customer called our service line looking for information regarding his console.

So I directed him to our website.

"It's www.pan," I said.

"That's p as in potato, a as in ant, n as in--"

"Wait!" he interrupted. "I haven't finished typing p as in potato yet."


My friend has a golden retriever who responds to music, and seems to especially like opera.

The dog is appropriately named "Poochini."


Monday, December 22, 2008

Good Morning......A wee bit chilly morning.....

Cat fight...............


I was traveling by train through Germany on my way to visit my brother, who was stationed there.

The conductor was very friendly and although he spoke no English and I no German, we had a great chat using only hand signals.

When he left the compartment, a woman sitting nearby asked if I spoke German.

"Not a word," I confessed.

She nodded.........

"That explains why you didn't get off when he said you were on the wrong train."


A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife, children and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies.


After lunch, sleep a while. After dinner, walk a mile.


"A sleeping pill will NEVER take the place of a clear conscience."


What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo?

In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name and Latin name.

In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name, it's Latin name, and the recipe for how to cook it.


After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it.

"Why," she cried out in exasperation, "Do things that happen to stupid people
keep happening to me?"


The subject of the meeting was whether to buy a new chandelier for the sergeants' mess hall.

Some officers wanted to vote on it, but one holdout opted for prudence.

"Before we spend money on a chandelier," he said,"shouldn't we find out if anyone can play the thing?"

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Good Afternoon.......Hope everyone is okay....

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board !?!?"
A rapid change occurs in a child's appearance as soap is applied.....

I called a company in Nashville from my home in Spokane to order some country music CDs.
After hanging up, I said to my wife, "The woman on the phone had such a heavy accent,
I could barely understand her."

Apparently the problem had been mutual.
My CDs arrived in a package addressed to "Smoked Ham, Washington."
"For Sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter,"sleeveless wedding gown, whie, size 8, veil included.
Worn once, by mistake."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Ancient Bavarian proverb: A contented man cannot be poor, and the discontented man can never be rich.
I am open to conviction on all points except dinner and debts.
I hold that the one must be eaten and the other paid.
Those are my only prejudices.
Fog forced our Puerto Rico-to-New York plane to be diverted to Washington, D.C.
As I left the cockpit, a passenger complained,
"A little bit of fog never stopped a train from getting to its destination."
I was about to respond, but his wife did the honors.
"That's right, Charlie," she said.
"Next time you want to go from San Juan to New York, you take the train."