Monday, December 31, 2007
Gimme a kiss for the New Year.............??
Chef Boyrbeans.....guaranteed fart in every one......... -----o------
Two judges are arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but agreed to try each other's cases the next morning. The first judge fines the second $2, but when it is the first judge's turn he gets a $50 fine. "Why did you do that?" says the first judge.
"I only fined you $2."
"I know," says his friend.
"But there's far too much of this thing going on these days.
Yours is the second case this morning."
Michael Chatman, 35, and two others were arrested in Augusta, Ga., in November after Chatman, in a Target store, tried to return the laser printer the three had allegedly used for counterfeiting.
However, they had accidentally left in the machine not only copies of the counterfeit bills but also the original $20 bill they had used as a model.
Said a deputy, "People get wrapped up in the crime, and they forget things."
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Hell of an Ad.................
New style??? supposed to be down low so it'll show
the underwear or crack.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. (never could understand the reason for making a promise you know you won't keep.)
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
Saturday, December 29, 2007
The lady of the house was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."..............
Her client leaned over to a friend and said, "How do like that?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Drunk Ninja ??
*Top Ten Gift Comments* What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ...........................(Joan Rivers)
Thursday, December 27, 2007
A hypothetical situation; where 20 some CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse....
'One' alone remains on board, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." !!!!!!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Man.....don't never even think about doin this.....
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Christmas.
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tomorow."
he said.Well she got all excited.......
Chrismas morning, the man gave her a small package to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--
only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, ..."One of our boys made it!"
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Well...it's Christmas Morning. So I wish you all
"Merry Christmas"... It will be fun to watch the little ones open their gifts... brings back lots of memories..
I will post some more later in the day.........
Monday, December 24, 2007
New toy for Christmas......
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little,
I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
Sick of the Holidays ..........
8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes.
7. You're serving reindeer pot pie.
6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun.
4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies.
2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears.
1. Two words: tinsel rash .
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Should be good on gas.............
Sunrise over eastern shore................
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!
"And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
The Blonde Petishun....
We blonds are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.
We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so
often a redhead joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds......
The Blonde Petishun sign here...
Saturday, December 22, 2007
My Friend Pete......
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are:
Peace on Earth;
Goodwill to Men;
and Batteries not included.
Then there was the blonde who had trouble filling out a job application form.
Where it said, "Married," she wrote "twice";
where it said, "Children," she wrote, "No, both were men."
Did you hear about the Newfie who got a camera for his birthday?
He just got back his first roll of film, 24 shots of his right eye.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Hey...I thought this Australian truck was very nice.....
Redneck Santa's sleigh decoration.....
Doctor's Assistant ~~~~~~~
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the Clinic and take care of all me patients. "Yes, sir!" answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, How was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jaysus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
What do we REALLY know about Santa?? He SEES you when you are sleeping, he KNOWS when you're awake, he knows when we are bad or good, doesn't this say he is either a stalker or peeping Tom???
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Deer at 140 mph.........
ground up deer........
Someone can't count.......................
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.
"How was it, honey?" she asked when he'd finished.
"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer...!"
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, " but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Now thats a small rest room, but I have used a smaller one. (under the stairs) Some comfy shoes.....................
I'm not saying she's easy, but her panty-hose has a pet door.
A man was advised by his doctor to join a health club and lose some weight. He lost 20lb in one day.....the jogging machine tore his leg off.
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
This bridge on 14th street at the "Corner" sure gets alot of trucks.... Had a hard time posting today, Damn! Been about an 1/2 hour...
Heard that Cher was joining the Spice Girls.....
she will be "Old Spice."
One week after moving into his apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed, moaning, and then there's the guy who keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You'd better keep away from them," his mother said.
"I do. I stay inside all day, playing my tuba."
Monday, December 17, 2007
In November the Food and Drug Administration told Smiling Hill Farm of Westbrook, Maine, that it would have to recall all of its egg nog because it did not list "egg" as an ingredient on the label. Federal law requires the listing to protect people with egg allergies from inadvertently consuming foods that they might not have realized contain egg. (even products called "egg nog").
They vote too............
A young woman was describing her date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"Then what happened?" asked her friend.
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the young woman responsed.
"He didn't weaken your resolve, did he?" the friend asked.
"Not a bit. In the end, we went back to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Plumbing getting slow...Laco's gone to sellin drinks??
I'm sorry bout this un........
Why Is Toilet Paper so Much Like The-Star-Ship-Enterprise ?
Answer: Because........ They Both Go Around Uranus Looking For Klingons.
Visiting a restaurant, a couple decided to order steak.
As the waitress put their plates on the table they noticed the strange way she was holding them. "You've got your thumbs on our steaks!" complained the wife.
"Well, you don't want me to drop them again, do you?" the waitress replied.
I hate cold weather.
You put on the thermals.
Get dressed in layers.
Put on the carhart artic bibs and jacket with a sweatshirt underneath.
Takes 15 minutes to get dressed.
Then step outside and as soon as the cold hits you, you have to pee.
Just isn't worth the effort..........