Friday, November 30, 2007

looks like he would feel a breeze....
looks like their hungry....Dumpster diving..

I have this very real fear---- that come election day next year we will once again be asked to choose between..... leukemia or colon cancer.

Christmas Songs for Dogs
1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Rottweiler
2. We Three Canines
3. Oh, Holy Fire Hydrant
4. Duke, the Red Nosed Doberman
5. Sniffing Around the Christmas Tree
6. Jingle Bones
7. Wreck the Halls!
8. I Saw Mommy Licking Santa Claus
9. Away in a Dog House
10. All I Want For Xmas is My Own Chew Toy

Thursday, November 29, 2007

You know that'll hurt......
Another old Ad.......she must have farted.......

When my daughter caught only one perch on her fishing trip,
not enough for even a modest lunch,
we decided to feed it to her two cats.
She put her catch in their dish and watched as the two pampered pets
sniffed at the fish but refused to eat it.
Thinking quickly, my daughter then picked up the dish,
walked over to the electric can opener,
ran it for a few seconds, then put the fish back down.
The cats dug right in.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Man...I thought this was cool
Does it all................................
Yeah! Flex will take care of it....................

HOW TO DRIVE on route 29:

* "Route 29" actually consists of Greene, Albemarle, Charlottesville, and Nelson

* The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon.
The evening rush hour is from noon to 9:00pm.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

* The minimum acceptable speed on Route 29 is 85 mph.

* Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Route 29 has its own version of traffic rules.
For example,cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;
the trucks with the biggest tires go second.
However, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

* If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended.
* Never honk at anyone. Seriously. It's an offense that can get you shot.
* Road construction is permanent on 29.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

* Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, dogs,barrels, cones, cats, mattress
shredded tires, rabbits,vultures, Deer and the big holes at airport light.

* If someone actually has their turn signal on,
wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

* If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a
road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
I saw the light....I saw the light............

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by anymilitary or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
A. Eat Pork or Die [both English and Arabic versions]
B. Shrine Busters [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artilleryshells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
C. Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy [Both English and Arabic versions]
D. Goat-it isn't just for breakfast any more. [Both English and Arabic versions]
E. The road to Paradise begins with me. [Mostly Arabic versions, but somein English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
F. Guns don't kill people. I kill people. [Both Arabic and Englishversions]
G. Pork. The other white meat. [Arabic version]
H. Infidel [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt ofthis directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed uponreceipt of this message:
A.. Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800Daily.
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

Monday, November 26, 2007

She's laffin at you.........

Here's lookin at you......babe!


John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" Said the barman....

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Keeping the eyes on you..........................
We burn to much gas.............

Still eating Virginia cured ham.......
If you have never........your missing out on some fine eating....
Breakfast this morn....eggs,ham and homemade biscuits.....
Makes your tongue slap your brains out......................
Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist.
Once, he found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions.
These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes.
This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.
Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they wouldn't be so crowded.
Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then set them free.
In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before.
It starts out, "Start spreading the Gnus..."
The title of the song was, of course, "New Ark, New Ark."

I'm sorry!!!! (not)

Friday, November 23, 2007

Some people will buy anything...................
Be on the LOOKOUT for the ............ Cat bomber....................

Well I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.
We had a very nice one with our girls and their families
The boys had the own family get together, but they came by.
This old man ate too much as usual.. But it was so good.....
You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.
All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.
Paramedics brought in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of your chair.
The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
The potatoes you used, set off another famine in Ireland.
You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read, "Good Lord!"
You now have a butt the size of Plymouth Rock.
People keep looking at you and saying, "I thought the Macy's Parade was over."
Your relatives can't go home because they're stuck in your gravitational field.
Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thankgiving~~~~

Hey.....This an't a Turkey !!
An't that the truth..........

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.
Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the barman asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, mate."
"You could say that," the guy replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"No shit," the man moaned.
"I can't get my wife anywhere near the water!"
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
but so was yesterday and look how you messed that up."

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Chilly this morn....

sunrise and 36 degrees..
Ouch !! thats gonna hurt......

Did you hear about the man who spent years collecting memorabilia of Joan of Arc,
Florence Nightingale and Wonder Woman?
Apparently, he was a heroine addict......
One morning a customer entered a flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife.
"No card is necessary," he instructed them.
"She'll know who sent them."
The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang.
It was the customer's wife.
"Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included,
I considered the matter closed, but not so.
A bit later, she came rushing in the front door.
"You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded,
"Before my husband gets home."

Friday, November 16, 2007



The hunters are getting ready.....I hear them sightin in...
Course the slob hunters are all ready hunting, in the woods
behind us.....

A Groaner......
A feller was found lashed to the train tracks and his remains were spread widely
when he was run over.
The police with the assistance of the F. B. I. and Army intelligence rapidly investigated
the incidence.
A press conference was called and the police chief was asked if this were part of a foreign plot. "No," said the chief, "We believe it was a local motive."

Two rednecks are walking down a long dark road, when one speaks up and says:
" BillyBob next time...wait till we are in our own car when you tell our dates my-way or the high-way."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Oh...My...An't I a cuty..??
Look out !!! Snowman is loose....
I just received this from my broker friend.
I don't normally pass on stock tips, but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another "Enron".
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can Interstate Water National Gas Co. Northern Tissue Co.
Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can,
hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may also be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean.


Some people need to learn..............
When you come here, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable.
It is designed to make its own people comfortable.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Hey...I thought this was cool.................
What do you think....

Did you know ??
~One good turn gets most of the blankets.
~Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
~A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
~Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
~A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
~I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
~Don't be so open-minded, your brains might fall out.
~If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
~Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...till you can find a rock.
~If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
~If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
~Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
~It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
~Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
~Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Recently I was was behind a car with three bumper stickers:
"Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food, demand labels and safety testing for food";
"Eat for the health of it"; and "Support organic farmers,"
The car was in front of me at a McDonald's drive-through.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A cool old car......
A cool new car......
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, ' Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...Shaken, not stirred,
and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish theirmartinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying
'That's 40 cents, please'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these
for a dime apiece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million anddecided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys
at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered
anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're from Ruckersville.
They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Sadie Watching TV

Sadie watching TV........................
Some time ago I joined a joke group. I did so thinking that it only had
a small number of posters and would be a friendly bunch......
But I found out that its not very good place to post.
The lady who started it had a heart attack and the members wouldn't
even send get-wells.
Nor did they post any Veterans day greetings........(pissed me off.)
I guess I'll get over it and will look elsewere to post.............

Lighten up........
A woman went to the counter to purchase a drinking bowl for her dog.
The clerk asked, "Would you like it inscribed with the dog's name?"
"It doesn't really matter," the woman answered.
"My husband doesn't drink water and the dog can't read."
"If women are so perfect at multitasking ,
how come they cannot have a Headache and sex at the same time"

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Veterans Day.......

Remembering those who served........
Rememberance day for the U.K and Canadians.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Happy Birthday.....OOHRAH!!!

Ready for the snow ???
Today is the 235th birthday of United States Marine Corps.
Semper Fi....Guys..

Rest in Peace "Mom & Dad"

Lets lighten up;

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


Friday, November 9, 2007


fragile World....
A C-Ville street....
The T.V. weatherman don't know chit.....
For a couple days he's called for rain, but it seems to pass us by ??? An't that right "Skippy"

A funny.......
Because of an ear infection, a young boy had to go to the pediatrician.
His mother was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and
questions to her son.
When he asked the boy, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"
He nodded and whispered in the pediatrician's ear.
Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to the mother.
Without looking at it, she tucked it into her purse.
Later, the pharmacist filled the order,
remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction her son must have.
When he saw the woman's puzzled expression, he showed her the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Some small ones.....

*Why were the elephants kicked off the beach?
They were walking around with their trunks down.
*What do you get if you cross a chili pepper, a shove; and a Chihuahua?
A hot diggity dog.........
*What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you just get a long-eared onion;
but once in a while you get a little ass that'll bring tears to your eyes.
*What do you get when you cross Batman & Robin with a steamroller?
Flatman & Ribbon!.....
*Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
*Why does everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic?
A:It's a soft job.